After I finished my PhD in 2010, I vowed to never get involved in any form of exam again. Ever. I had said that during school. I said it after I failed my driving test. I said it after school. And again during my undergrad. And after my MSc. I guess that didn’t work out exactly as planned. But what does?
Exams and results now mean something different.
I’ll always be anxious when waiting for the results (are they good enough? have I done OK? will I pass?) but taking the exam now means something different. Something to embrace and to celebrate.
More than ever, I recognise the privilege of having the opportunity to prep for the exam and to sit the exam, regardless of the result.
Yesterday, I had my regular 4-month monitoring examination and trans-vaginal ultrasound with my gynae-oncologist. The results were all good; my pelvic cavity remains clear.
Today, I got my CA125 blood test results. These results are also all good – it’s at 11 (needs to remain under 35). It’s a notoriously terrible tumour marker but was very elevated when I was diagnosed (it was 2,257). So, for me, it’s part of my ongoing monitoring.
Moving forward, due to my latest results, I’ve been moved to a different class of monitoring: (upgraded? downgraded?) to six-monthly monitoring visits (pelvic/abdo ultrasound, TV ultrasound, CA125 blood test). After surgery it was every 3 months. At the beginning of this year it was every 4 months. And now it’s every 6 months.
This is brilliant news.
But it’s also terrifying.
My initial reaction was to celebrate. Then the panic set in. Isn’t that too long between visits? What if something happens? What if I don’t notice? Recurrence is most likely after five years so shouldn’t I keep coming every 3 months? And the mind starts to spin.
But I’ve also learned (am learning?) to better trust those that know more than me. I’m a notorious control-freak and anxious student. And the past 2 years and 3 weeks have really tested me, in ways I wouldn’t have imagined. Going back to being the student, listening to the teacher.
I’m (slowly) starting to embrace the constant assessment and feedback in new ways.
Today, the studying is different, the exams are different, and the transcript is different.
But one thing remains the same, regardless of the results: the after-party.
So here’s to the after-party, and all the after-parties still to come.
jozi-ovari 
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