Today I’m tired.

Today I’m tired.

Today was another day of hospital gowns and machines; of wondering and worrying; of worrying I’ve not been worrying enough.

Today I had a  mammogram and ultrasound; all is clear, the fibroadenomas in my breasts have almost disappeared, and I don’t need to come back for another 2 years.  Seems my oestrogen replacement is at the right level (according to the breast guy but I’m not so sure).  This is – of course – great news. But I don’t feel like celebrating.

I knew I needed to have this done – I’ve known for months. I know monitoring and follow-up is essential.  And I know that due to my borderline ovarian cancer, my breasts need to be monitored too.  But I delayed making this follow-up; I went against my own advice to actively engage in our own healthcare planning. And I’ve been confused about this; I’m fortunate: I have medical aid, great healthcare providers, and know that monitoring is the way to go.  So why the avoidance?

I think it’s because, right now, I’m tired.

I’m tired of organising appointments.  I’m tired of moments of worry.  I’m tired of worrying that I don’t worry enough or that I worry too much.  I’m tired of worrying about the need for more appointments, more tests, more monitoring.  I’m tired of worrying about what being tired about all of this means.  I’m tired of over-thinking.  I’m tired of worrying about how guilty I feel about being tired of having the opportunity to manage my health, for having access to quality healthcare.  I’m tired of knowing that there are many, many women who have a far more difficult and scary journey than me, who have a life-limiting prognosis, who cannot access quality public healthcare, and who don’t receive the treatment they need.

I’m tired.

Today I was relieved that the clinic was busy and that things were running late and that – as a result – between the mammogram and the ultrasound I could lay in the quiet, in a darkened consulting room, in a hospital gown, on a less-than-comfortable bed. I wondered about the mammogram.  I wondered if there was a real delay or if there was something wrong.  I wondered if the delay would be long so that I could have a nap.

Today is also ‘World Ovarian Cancer Day’ but I didn’t realise this until this evening which is a good thing; I worry about why I dislike these ‘World Days’ so much and worry about what others think when I admit this.  We need to raise awareness, of course we do.  But it requires more than a day.  And I worry about how to we should be doing this awareness raising in a meaningful, long-lasting way.